Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Our Loss

I'm sure most of you already know, but I know there are others that haven't heard yet. Our family suffered a miscarriage today....here's what happened for those of you who want to know:

(I am writing this almost 2 weeks later....and I'm leaving a lot of emotion out since I don't want it to be any longer than it has to be...plus, I don't want to get all weepy while typing this!)

I went in for a regular OB appt at 10am...I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant and Austin and I were waiting to hear the heartbeat. The last appt was at 9 weeks, 2 days, so we didn't get to hear it because it was too early. The CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) took the doppler and tried to find the heartbeat....which, after about 5 minutes said she would go and get the portable ultrasound machine to see if she can see what is causing her to not find it. She wheels it in and warns me that she's not the best at u/s, so that if she can't find anything that it doesn't mean much. Well, she doesn't find anything, so she sends me up to Ultrasound. I call Brian on the way up there, but we loose the call while I'm in the elevator.

So, Austin and I get to Ultrasound and are told that it's going to be about 30 minutes. I call Brian back and tell him to leave work and come to Tripler. After 10 minutes they call me back to the room...no, Brian had not gotten there yet since it's about a 20-30 minute drive. They show Austin where to sit and then the tech starts the ultrasound. Little do they know that sitting an almost-3-year-old next to a panel full of buttons is a bad idea....before she can do any measurements or anything, Austin has pushed some buttons and someone comes rushing in telling us that we just called a Code Blue through the entire hospital. The tech tells her to meet the doctors at the door and tell them that there's no emergency.

She starts the ultrasound again....I'm no tech, but know that there's supposed to be heartbeat and that a 13 week fetus doesn't look like the one on the screen. I take a few pictures on my camera phone for Brian to see and then watch as she turns the screen where you can see the bloodflow (that's what I'm guessing the different screen was for....it showed blue and red and I just assumed that it was showing arteries and veins?). There wasn't any flow to the baby and she proceeded to tell me that she's only measuring the baby to be at 8 weeks, 2 days. A doctor comes in and says he's sorry and that when I'm ready, to come and they'll tell me what my options are....while he's saying this, Austin pushes more buttons and calls some other kind of emergency which didn't seem as bad as the Code Blue. I think they've had enough of him, so another doctor comes in a little later and brings me to her office to tell me what we can do from here. I talk with her about 5 minutes and then Brian called to say he was there. I meet him in the hall and tell him....we go back to her office and she tells Brian what she told me. Basically, we decided on a D&C that day because it had already been 5 weeks since the baby had died and Austin's birthday was right around the corner....I didn't want to do this any closer to his day than I had to.

So, we go to the pre-surgery dept and I start in-processing there. Brian takes Austin home to get him fed and drop him off at some friends' house so he can come back to be with me. I had eaten that morning, so we couldn't do the surgery until after 4pm, so when Brian go there, we still had a little bit longer to wait. Right around 4pm, they came to get me...the nurses and staff where all really nice (other than the anesthesiologist who talked to me during the in-processing...good thing he wasn't the one doing my meds during the surgery!). After the procedure, we ate and waited a bit before they would let me come home...when we finally left, it was about 8:00pm. Our friends dropped Austin off at the house and I put him to bed...tried to explain to him that he would have to wait for a sibling for a little bit longer. He seems to have understood that since he hasn't talked about the baby since that night.

Physically, I am doing much better. It's going to take a little longer, mentally and spiritually to heal.

We want to thank everyone who has called or e-mailed....and those who sent flowers. Brian, Austin and I appreciate everyone's prayers and kind words.

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