A Decision I Hate to Make

Have you ever had to make a decision that you knew you had to make, but just hated making? I’m at that point. I’ve had 2 c-sections. The most recent surgery will have been only 18 months before our 3rd child born. I know most people could make this decision easily. Just have the c-section and be happy to hold that baby. I’m not most people. I know what I should do. I know what the doctors (and family) want me to do. I even know what I will do, but hate it.

I don't expect anyone to understand my feelings. Most of the people I know have had natural (either with or without drugs) births. They've been able to experience something that I can only dream of experiencing. Instead, my sons have been pulled into this world in an Operating Room. Instead of being handed to me or their Daddy, they are taken directly to strangers where they are suctioned (because they don't get that natural squeezing through the birth canal to get rid of the fluid), rubbed clean, and weighed. I see my babies face peeking out of a blanket as they are held by someone else. I don't even get to hold them. While I have been very lucky to not have my arms strapped down, I can't be sure they are not next time. I see them for moments, then they are taken to the nursery with their Daddy while I am inspected for foreign objects and closed up. The doctors talk about ordinary things and all I want is this to be done so I can see my baby.

With Austin, I waited for FOUR hours before I got to hold him again. No, he wasn't in the NICU, he wasn't sick, he was completely healthy...it's just that no one would bring him to me, even after repeated requests from Brian. With Colten it was much better, as I knew more about what to ask for BEFORE my surgery. Plus, we were in a better hospital that had flexible policies. I still had to wait to hold him though. When there's nothing wrong with the baby, there should be no reason to wait.

When I finally get my baby, there are host of other things I am not allowed to do. I can't walk, go to the restroom (since my catheter is in until the next day), eat when I want (the doctor has to allow it the first time) and many other things. If I could have a regular birth, I would be out of there in 24 hours. We hate staying at the hospital. Things go so much more smoothly at home, but because of the surgery, I get to stay for at least 48 hours. They'd much rather you stay 72, but we request earlier.

When we finally get home, I walk around like an 85 year old. I'm like that for weeks. I'm on pain killers, but try not to take them very often because of breastfeeding. I'd rather be in a little pain than have my baby getting the meds he isn't supposed to get. With Colten I wore a corset so I didn't feel as though my organs were going to fall out (since the stomach muscles are seperated during surgery).

After talking with my doctor yesterday, I knew I would probably go with a third c-section. Right after Colten's birth, as well as yesterday, he told me that my uterus was really thin around the incision line. With the added risk of two sections being so close together and already having two priors surgeries, I know what I need to do. I don't have to like it though. Even before getting pregnant this time, I dreaded this decision. I dread the surgery and the recovery and the way it makes me feel both physically and mentally. The odds of having a good recovery are dwindling. I even said after having Colten that I didn't know if I could do this again, but here I am. Doing it again.

I feel like I'm giving up. I will never get to do something that I feel so strongly about. There are ICAN meetings here in town, and I can't even bring myself to attend one anymore. I went to one after Colten was born. I just couldn't do it again.

The worst part is that I feel guilty for even feeling this way. There are people out there struggling to even get pregnant. There are parents out there with premature babies fighting for their lives or babies who are said to not even make it to birth. There are parents who are lucky to even have the option of c-section to save their babies. I feel guilty for feeling so bad about this decision, but I can't help how I feel. What I hope for is that I accept it enough to go to the hospital happily, knowing that I will soon see my baby. I just don't want to be sad on my child's birthday.

So, there it is. A decision made, but not lightly. It was made out of love and for the safety of my baby, despite what I really want. Isn't that the epitome of parenthood???